The other day, as usual my daughter was crying for going to the school, when her mother and I were trying convincing her that “it is normal to feel this way and you will have to stay for only some hours and then you will be back at home to play with us”. But her cry wouldn’t stop.

Suddenly a teacher comes and takes her away from us by convincing her that she is going upstairs for only 5 minutes and then she will be back with us, she went happily. Around 30 minutes later, that teacher came back without her and said to us, “She is settled now and you can go, it is all fine”.

And me and my wife looking at each other, wondering “what is fine now?” I told them “you broke her trust”. And the school staff looked at me like I have refused to pay the fee of the school for the entire year. From their point of view, they helped us settle our daughter and it is the way it happens with every kid. And it has to follow this way for some days and the kids will understand.

To me, they have not understood but they feel betrayed and finally surrender, what max could they do?. This is the first stage when their trust breaks when the parents (their world) betrays them by telling lies or scaring them with unknown things. Or let someone do that to them.

There is a saying “As within, so without” which means, we see the world not the way it is but the way we are. And we cannot help it. The invisible glasses that we are wearing to see the world, has been built by our experiences. The older we grow, the more experiences we gain and the thicker our glasses become. It is a viscous cycle, that has been started by our parents, teachers or the social circle that we live in. When we were kids we were told that every next person outside your periphery is dangerous and will harm you. This is how we start our world with a prejudice as bad place to be in. At this time, we borrow these glasses from someone and see the world from it and we experience what has been said and then we are independent enough to manage our own glasses. We live, we learn, and our lenses thicken. This cycle continues!

At the start, when we were kids we trusted our parents, our friends and everyone around us, then we reach teenage when we trust our friends more than our parents because we think our friends understand us better than them, so we think friends are for life. After sometime those friend also become practical and move on. Then we grow little older and enter the transactional world, where the shopkeeper who would earlier give me a toffee without any reason when I would visit his shop with my father, now charges the money for the same. When we are at workplace we have been given the targets, if we are not able to complete the targets, we may be shown the door. The boss is not an elder brother, who may first scold me for my mistakes but at the end will say “no worries, work hard and improve, this is for your benefit only”. The world looks like a multi-man wrestling where either you throw someone out or else, someone will throw you.

So why are we like that, why don’t we believe on what someone says? It comes back to the same theory, since we lie, we think everyone lies. 

It is not always that we want to lie and what for. But somehow our upbringing in society is such that we prefer to lie to make them happy than telling the truth and hurt them. Or we sugarcoat.

Society needs conformity, this means, if you want to follow what you heart says than you are not fit for the society. You have to behave, think and act according to the social norms and that’s how you get the approval from others. If you have to tell the truth, either sugarcoat and be diplomatic or stay silent.

In a corporate world, a lot of people do shoddy jobs but very few people get to face the direct confrontation from their superiors or colleagues. Mostly, they are given feedback in indirect ways or sugar coating. This takes away the gravity or seriousness of the job. Is not providing the direct feedback also not be a shoddy job? Since it is not properly done, the result is, people do not improve.

The matter of fact is, since we have grown up with this blurry and grey culture, somehow we subconsciously know whatever someone is saying is not 100% true, and that makes us always suspicious and difficult to trust anyone.

Now, you may say…great understood, but what should I do?

The answer is simple, at least become predictable, if it is difficult to become brutally honest.

Let me explain,

We as human, crave for control in our lives with predicable results. This means, if I am spending several sleepless nights for an upcoming exam, I would expect to get good marks. If I have spent too many bucks on my dress, parlour and make-over, I would expect people to notice me and give compliments to me. If I have been chasing an investor for my startup for a very long time, I want him to write a heavy cheque for me. 

Will you like any machine whose output varies? For example, if you are given an option of choosing a chocolate vending machine, out of which, one that always gives one chocolate for every coin or the other one which may sometimes give you two or three or nothing, for each attempt. The latter one may sound exciting for initial trials to someone, especially if they get three chocolate for the first coin but the same person will not like, if they do not get anything in return for another coin. They may momentarily say that “fine two coins, three chocolate; Good deal” but the same person would avoid another try, even if they are at a gain.

Experiments lead to experience, not the other way round.

This means, the more the trials happen in life, the more correct we want to be. And as we grow older we want to be less unsure.

Predictability of behaviour is the single quality that the nature has, which has been leveraged by humans but the same has not been inculcated by the them which made them unpredictable.

Animals always have predictable behaviour, a lion will die but never eat a grass, a dog once fed will never become your enemy. And this has been understood by human very well at the start and being a good capitalist, they made use of this property for his super selfish motives.

A goat is fed full stomach before it is slaughtered. Is it not the worst thing ever? Can you imagine a dog who you have been feeding for 10 days, bites you on 11th day? 

Humans do this everyday and call this a business with sophisticated names such as cattle farming, beef production, fish farming, poultry farming. This bullshit comes in the umbrella term of Animal husbandry.

To me, a lion is better than humans, who shows interest in a gazelle while it is hungry, not because it is getting bored and needs entertainment.

The point is, since we humans understand our nature and can change our behaviour based on the needs, this quality makes us unpredictable.

So if we all collectively admit that yes, we are unpredictable and strive to become predictable, I think that can be a start of a trust-worthy relationship. 

So next time, when a not so good friend calls you on his birthday party and you couldn’t say no, to not hurt him. Send a text message in advance stating that you wouldn’t be able to make it, rather than a no show. When you tell your mother to call her tomorrow. either call her tomorrow or call her tomorrow for a minute to tell her that you wouldn’t be able to talk today but day after you will call. And call.

Respect what you are saying, and follow it. If you don’t respect yourself, nobody will.

Trust building is a slow process, and it is built day by day, action by action. Be aware of what you say and what you do. if they are varying, nobody will be able to trust you. 

I know, we are humans and we are smart but we should be predictable.

If someone is grumpy all the time then it is easy because we know that this fellow will behave the same and we become prepared for it. But when someone’s behaviour changes without any known cause, it confuses us and shakes our trust.

So once collectively we are able to do and show what we actually say and feel, then our lenses change and slowly we start trusting people. And this brings love and faith to life.